moms, it’s ok to be the dumpster fire you feel like.

Today, this mom feels like a dumpster fire. I think it’s OK though. I’m gonna sit with it instead of trying to pretend I’m not. It’s where I am. I’m going to meditate on it and not fight it. I might have to sage myself and then dump a bucket of ice water on my head to put out the flames, but I’m going with it. Admittedly, it’s not just today. It feels like a proverbial Ground Hog’s Day wrapped up in a surreal vortex of spiraling emotions, increasing exhaustion and continuous clawing towards a mirage of change that just doesn’t exist. Yet.
Do you ever feel this way?

Have you recently?

Please tell me I’m not alone.

No?

You’re full of shit.

Moms need the room and space to be honest and admit these feelings out loud and acknowledge the fact that there’s so many articles written on this topic lately because it’s truth.

Many days exist of extreme ebbs and flows, right? One day, we’ll wake up and if we’ve gotten decent sleep say, “Oh, I got this today. Remote learning AND zoom meetings at the same time??? Bring it on.” All this complete with heart shaped pancakes and healthy snacks made into little animals with arts and crafts hour that rival any Pinterest board. Other days, “Sure you can eat that cold leftover pizza for breakfast. Oh and guess what? We’re having pizza for dinner too. Oh a hot chocolate chaser, you ask? Go for it dude. What about that zoom meeting, you ask? Uh, yeah…the WIFI must have went out.”

Some days we are the pilot and some days we coast on autopilot. Some days we walk the aisles of Target aimlessly just to have a mini-escape and some days we may even hide in the bathroom, sit on the floor and scroll through our phones uninterrupted - giving ourselves a time out.

What I want you to hear and remember is this- It’s OK. This is a time like no other. I say this out loud so I remind myself too, because I forget. I immediately slip into, “I’m the worst mother,” mode because I lost my patience more than usual that week or I feel myself walking around with a constant puss on my face. Or, I just can’t shake my anxiety long enough to just, “snap out of it” and put on a happy face because everyone expects the glue to be just that. Otherwise, we bring everyone else down when the Captain loses control and there is dissention in the ranks. The unintentional guilt put on us by our loved ones is completely innocent, unknowing. But, we feel it. And we add that to the layer of suppressing our own mental and emotional health. Not good folks, not good.

I, too wish I could stop worrying about irrational things some days. I wish I could just, “don’t worry, be happy.” I wish I had the energy left at the end of the day to ‘want’ my husband. I miss him. I get super stoked when I do have the energy for a date night- just make sure you catch me by 8:59 because once 9:00 hits- I’m out for the count.

I can change the surrounding energy, so can you- but when you’re depleted it’s impossible, without some self-awareness, time for yourself and a little help from the universe. A major shift has to occur. It takes time and it’s a collective effort.

Things may not have changed- yet, but they will. For this, I am certain. An important reminder is that the tides do turn. It may feel never-ending but you will find your groove, something that sparks that shift. You’ll find your like-minded girlfriend crew too and you’ll commiserate and laugh at the notion you are not alone, you are not a terrible wife and mother and you are all in this extremely large boat together. That boat might sink from all the stress aboard, but nevertheless….You won’t drown, you’ve got each other (insert laugh- it’s a joke. It’s funny.) It’s about support. Talking about it. Bitching about it. Acknowledging it. Owning it. And then…releasing it. It’s going through it to come out the other side, even when it feels like this chapter is stuck on page 20. I am not a sugar-coater of shit. It’s fucking hard. It’s so hard some days to not recognize that hot piece of ass that’s usually staring back at you in the mirror. Where the hell is she? Most days, she’s covered in craft glue or macaroni and cheese, but she’s there, I promise.

I leave you with this. Embrace it. Be that dumpster fire when you feel like it. Be the most raging, ferocious one there is. Own it. And when the ashes come to a dull smolder, channel Shiva. Be the transformation of that energy. Be the air. Be light. Allow yourself to feel good. Be grateful. Take stock in all you do have. Dust yourself off and breathe deeply. Now, breathe deeply again. And again….How lucky are we? Really?

Take a second to yourself to just STOP. – Take the moment in before it passes. Remember what feeling good and grateful looks like and feels like. It’s there. Every day. It may be masquerading as something else but it’s always beside you.

You are not alone. You are not crazy. You are not making this shit up. You are not being dramatic. You are not overreacting. You are allowed to crumble. You are allowed to scream. You are allowed to cry. You are allowed to be exhausted. You are allowed to fuck up. But, you are also allowed to feel good. You are allowed to put yourself first. You are allowed to be grateful. You are allowed to smile. You are allowed to stop and breathe. You are allowed to just be. You are human. You are a superhero. You are a mom. You CAN and WILL move through this with grit and grace, like the air. The universe has your back. You can do this. You already are.

much love + light.

xo, jess

“You are the sky. Everything else is just the weather.” -Pema Chodron